As I was walking to the train in the morning, I heard a little voice inside my head say, It's not going to last.
An unsettling feeling, but I moved through and past that little annoying voice and kept on with my day, which, by ALL accounts, was absolutely awesome. It's incredible what a positive outlook can do for you - I laughed a little heartier, I chatted with co-workers with whom I don't normally chat, I got through my to do list with ease and no stress, and I had energy! Believe me when I say, this happiness was invincible.
Happiness. Now there's a word that knocks the wind out of me. Court and I have talked about this countless times. What does it mean, how do you get there, how do you STAY there? But I'll be honest with you, I've always been afraid to admit when I feel happy.
Not because I don't want to feel happy! Because I do, so much. One of the things I'm working on is to let myself enjoy happiness, and not bulldoze over it with thoughts like, You don't deserve this, or, This isn't real.
I've dealt with anxiety since I was 15, which is to say I've spent a lot of time feeling not fine and scared of many things. So for me, happiness can be so unexpected, just so beautiful, that if I let myself feel it, maybe it will go away.
So, why do we give a second thought to these negative voices? Why is self doubt and fear of success, happiness, and being loved so easy to hold onto?
I don't have an answer to this (yet…maybe ever?), but I'll tell you what. The other day was an incredible journey for me. And the happiness I felt then has crept into each day thereafter, and I can feel myself creating and cultivating (two words we've been using a lot!) something more lasting. I don't want it to sound as if I was horribly sad one day and the next woke up and was completely happy. We all feel happiness every day, and sadness and anger, too. But it takes letting go of the feeling that happiness might disappear that makes it really stay.
all images via Pinterest.